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Holla, Happiness!

Posted on 2011.11.22 at 14:02
Set The Mood:: anxiousanxious
It's been a long time since I wrote in this jounal! i felt the need to bust it out again when I noticed I was becoming really unhappy with the way things were working out in my life. I realized I truly was just using pot as a reason to get by when things went wrong, and it got worse when I started using painkillers not just for medicinal use, but after my prescription ran out I started buying them wherever I could for weekends, then I started doing them at work, and then I started doing them everyday. I'm currently going through my withdrawing stage right now, and it's not fun at all. Everyone I have talked to thinks that I'm "over thinking" the situation and that I need to calm down and focus on other things in life. The truth is that I feel I have tried to do that very well but it failed. I spent whole days watching Netflix, dancing to Michael Jackson, going to the book store, working...Even then I still felt I had no motivation for anything. i'm hot, I'm cold, I'm sore, I'm lazy. i try to remind myself of how difficult it has been for me to get off the painkillers and the awful experience I've had dealing with it. I need to be having fun with my life and i should be happy without all this crap. I can't wait for all these changes to come into place. College starts at the end of next month. I gotta feeling it's gonna be the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL new chapter in my life.

Where To Begin

Posted on 2010.02.04 at 19:13
Set The Mood:: annoyedannoyed
My livejournal really comes in handy when I just feel like blabbing away on the keyboard to try and deal with my problems and figure out why I sometimes feel like I'm acting so stupid.

I need change. I love my relationship life. I couldn't have asked for someone better to be with. Trustworthy, dependable, always lets me know what's going on and where he's at. It's a wonderful thing to know when he's hundreds of miles away at a cool college with lots of cool stuff and the beautiful mountains. What can a girl get more jealous of sometimes over analyzing, thinking I'm not good enough, always wondering if he'll end up meeting someone new out there anyways regardless of what he says. I wish I never felt that way. I wish I could just wake up the next day and start fresh. Work, hobbies here and there, anything to keep my mind from going back to the same bad thoughts over and over again. I think that's my real problem- I am not doing anything I want to be doing. I'm not where I wanted to end up after leaving Oklahoma. I'm not happy working two jobs trying to pay crap off and still manage to save money to leave for Colorado to stay with Steve and go to school. It's boring for me, sitting around waiting for the phone to beep or ring while watching t.v and then getting to listen to Steve talk about how wonderful his day has been and where he's off to next. It's more jealousy of his life vs. mine than it really is about him possibly ever cheating on me. But of course, having my mom's paranoid mind I'm always over-thinking the situations. One stupid feeling leads to more stupid feelings. And then those feelings get bottled up and I swallow them in grief. I almost feel like I'm just not going to be heading anywhere with my life, or do all the things I want to do before I hit a certain age where none of that good stuff can even happen anymore because I'm too old. I guess my bigger problem is the same problem I've always had: Impatience. I hate it. Impatient while Steve is gone. Impatient to leave this place. Impatient to go to school and hope I'm finally going in a good direction for once. Impatient to start having a little fun. I was warned burning the candle at both ends will catch up to me eventually. Working a lot and still going out every night spending money last year never saved me anything. I was only wasting away another year I could have spent saving that money and I could have been gone and out then. My taxes screwed me over this year to start. Rather than getting a nice refund for working so much, I'm owing Oklahoma money and getting back a cheap ass amount for my federal returns. I guess I'm not gaining anything in this case because I have to pay 103.86 just to fucking file them to begin with. All I gotta say is fuck Tax Season.  I wish it was that easy to have fun and go out all the time, but I'm always thinking whether Steve would be happy about it or not, or I'd put myself in his shoes. I wouldn't be happy if he went out to drink with his buddies. I don't know anyone there yet. It makes me nervous, and girls(most dumb bitches in college) are all clingy, manipulative, and dirty whores that make me jealous. Although I never did have too much confidence in myself or my looks. He always tells me how beautiful I am, and how we'll never be apart and that I'm his only one and he knows this for sure. I'm working my ass off to believe this is true and I want it more than anything, but at the same time I don't want to be setting myself up for another "pat sorenson" relationship. That one tore me to pieces. I don't want to be there again. It also just made me realize how manipulating people can be, and how mean and destructive. Steve's my best friend, what am I saying? I should be trusting him more than anyone else on this planet, and I can't talk to him about this often because I feel like he'll just think I don't have any faith in this, and I don't trust this relationship. I don't want him to get annoyed of me, but I cannot seem to find any other way of dealing with this. Maybe he's right, when he comes back into town to visit maybe everything will be better afterwards. I want out of of these feelings. I'm sick of staying home everyday feeling sorry for myself and making it even worse on me when I listen to Steve's day. I should be happy for him. He hasn't done anything wrong. He doesn't hang out with girls. I'm just waiting for that one phone call, telling me he's going to some party, so i can sit around and mope about all the things that could be going on there while I'm not there. Trust is such a big factor in relationships. it's the hardest one in my opinion, to ever conquer. How easy it is to tell people things and walk away from all of it out of nowwhere one day. So I need to do something. I need to make hobbies for myself. I need to move my mind further away from such topics and stop becoming so stressed about somebody else's life. I'm so selfish it bites me in the ass.

I don't even have any money to spend on activities to do.


Posted on 2008.03.04 at 15:10
I falsely assume a lot of relationships are going to be perfect. I always build myself high hopes on those types of things, and when people make me feel good about myself and "us", I get attached and go along with it, hoping that nothing could go wrong. That's okay though. I'm alright with it. My life has never been a bed of roses.

To better myself, I'm rather just going to accept it. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I know what I'm looking for now. I know what I've got in mind. It's finding it that's driving me crazy. I think in society everybody has common qualities with each other and when we find out about them we get excited inside, over-assuming the possibility that they could be "the one". We let ourselves get attached immediately and then I bet most of the time the relationship becomes relationSHIT. I've got to work on myself before my number one man of the future sweeps me off my feet when I'm in $12,000 debt.

I'd write more, but I just became interested in this Wit and Wisdom of Women book that my sister has....

Posted on 2008.02.28 at 12:43
Set The Mood:: determineddetermined
Playing in The Jukebox:: Radiohead-Everything In It's Right Place
No matter what happens now I shouldn't be afraid because today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen....(2.14.08)

Alligned Beauty, Dry Your Eyes.

Posted on 2008.02.13 at 12:13
Set The Mood:: chipperchipper
Playing in The Jukebox:: Radiohead-Faust Arp.
Why do people feel the need to blame others for their own issues?

A couple days ago Alli's mom flipped out on her and threatened to kick her out and move in with me. Not sure entirely why exactly, but obviously those are issues between her and her mom. Or at least you would think...Her mom called me after she left and completely freaked out on me for ten minutes, so I went near my dad with the phone so he could listen to it, too. I didn't say much, I think the only thing that came out of me was that I didn't want to fight with her and I don't know what she thinks. But then I understood exactly she was mad after I was told that her ex-boyfriend told her that I got Alli into all of these drugs and all she does is smoke pot and take X and basically, I'm pretty much a bad influence. After her mother hung up on me, I started to feel really shiitty about the person I was until I drove around with Joe to deliver a package I wanted to give to Rob to help him "better himself".

First of all, it's Alli's choice to do what she does. Not mine. I am not responsible for anything anyone else does except for myself. Secondly, just because we do drugs doesn't mean we are bad people. I thought about that intensely, and I realized it was true. I would rather be high at my house with a few good friends just watching movies and baking cookies then going to crazy parties and getting drunk until I'm passed out. At least I'm in total control of myself even high. Secondly, it's not like all we do is get high and take drugs and then go vandalize property and fuck shit up. We drive around to random places and visit restaurants we've never been to or haven't been to in a long time, or we find something fun to do. Life is lived just as I would be living without drugs, too. It just makes it more amusing. It doesn't matter anyways, I've begun to realize that there are much better feelings in this world.

I've taken it easy on the smoking. No more buying quarter bags of chronic and smoking it away either by myself or with friends. If I decide to smoke, it won't be often at all. I don't think that smoking weed is a bad thing. In fact, I've become a lot more in thought and deep-minded because of it. I don't think that I would ever feel or be the way I am now if I hadn't of done it. Everybody is different, and we all take different paths to figure ourselves out. I've developed a lot of philosophies that I wrote in my other journal that maybe I will consider later typing up in the future to share. I'm still a really generous and nice person to people. It hasn't made me any worse. I still love to help. I'm sick of being judged because of the things I choose to do. I don't give people reasons to hate me.

I absolutely hate the straight edge drinkers who have everything against drugs, but when they're turning into drunk assholes then it is no problem. I remember Alli telling me about this party she went to with this kid she met from her Photo class. Total asshole, and his best friend Ashley is even more lame. I went to go high five her when I met her and she got pissed at me. I was trying to be nice to people I've just met. Then when I told her I thought I had recognized her from somewhere she got even more mad at me because apparently "i don't know who she is and I've never met her before". Rude bitch. You don't even fucking know me and you're an asshole. I don't understand how you have friends if that is the way you meet people everyday, come off like a total dick. So back to the party she went to...Everybody was pretty much getting drunk, and they're all incredibly against smoking weed so nobody really likes her at the moment for that. Getting drunk, getting more drunk, and all of the sudden they're all angry drunk. What the hell? I've never been angry at the world or people when I'm high..Why the fuck would I want to get drunk if that's what I'm going to be like? Maybe they are just the wrong people to get drunk together with, because I recall times with family and friends and I've had good days being drunk with them. Go fuck yourselves, seriously. You were the rudest people I've ever met in my entire life.

Besides bitching, something good always ends these bad days now. I'm so much more happier, and I've been given a big motivation to get up continue working to better myself and my future. Rob has done so much good for me and it's only been a few weeks. Yes, he smokes on occasion, and hard drugs we take together rarely. But over the past weekend we had we both agreed that this feeling between us overpowered any need to ever feel like I need to smoke. We couldn't get out of each others eyes. Constantly watching our pupils dilate and shrink. I kissed him like I've never kissed anyone before. It was so meaningful. The best part about him is his awesome personality. We believe a lot of the same things, and I was really happy to be able to share all of the things I thought about society, cultures, and myself. I was also more than happy to being over the Healing Mandala kit that my sister gave me for Christmas. We both spent time in his room designing our own, and then went to play with his little fuzzy black kitten. His kitten is adorable. He's very loving. We all sat on the bed and the kitten fell asleep right in between us. As I started to turn away from him he leaned in and kissed me for the first time. It was exciting because it was more of a relief for us. I was so estatic when I left his house. I know that he felt the same because I could definitely define it in his big smile and the words he told me later in the weekend. It was hard not to tell him that I loved him, because I had this big sensational feeling inside of me that was nothing I've felt for the longest time. I'm glad I didn't though, because I'm trying to teach myself that patience is always the answer, no matter how crazy it drives us. He slept over both Friday and Saturday night, and both nights were incredible. We stayed up practically all of the night and just talked. We kissed, we made out, but we both agreed that time will basically tell us how far we go in the end. He told me I was perfect, and this was too good to be true. I could see in his face he was so shocked and amazed that this was actually happening. I agreed. Sunday morning was a bummer, because before he left he told me that he wanted to spend the week or two getting himself together and bettering himself before anything further went on between us. For a moment I was a little upset, because I felt like this was just going to be another fling where I get fucked over again and they don't call me anymore. But after he left, I realized that for the time I've known Rob since I was good friends with Rachel, I know that he wouldn't be the person to do that, so I wrote him a letter. The letter basically contained the definition of perfection. I told him about the moment I was in denial when he told me I was perfect because I knew that I had so many flaws I didn't know where to begin to fix them. Then I realized, that we aren't perfect because we are flawless, it was rather that incredible high feeling they give us when they are in our prescence. The feelings they let us experience. So I went on to tell him that he was perfect to me no matter what the world the thought, and that I totally respected his decision to "protect me" by bettering himself first. I let him borrow the cards that my sister gave me for Christmas. Basically, they were cards of daily activities that we do everyday, and they were suppose to help us feel better about the things we do and build up confidence and self-consciousness. It is such an awesome feeling to be able to wake up feeling so much better about myself because of Rob. He called me yesterday after he got the package. He was so happy to receive it, and couldn't believe it. Friday night we'll be going to see a movie :-)

Life is finally looking up for the first time in like, three years.

There's Something Living in These Lines

Posted on 2008.02.06 at 08:44
Set The Mood:: highhigh
Playing in The Jukebox:: New Amsterdams-Forever Leaving
I'm not sure where to start with this entry...

I had an awesome time at your house on Saturday night. I think that I've always liked you I will just never say anything about it. I remember when we hung out with Rachel through high school. I liked you then, too. Then we stopped talking and it didn't become forgotten, just put aside for a year and a half. Then you started working at Uncle Al's with me. I thought for some reason that we would end up being friends again and we are. So I gave you my number and we started talking again. I didn't know that we had so much in common. I always wondered if you liked me too because you had this sense to come off shy and at the same time I wondered if you were just being nice. I'd like to pretend that this was our conversation and at some point we would have just given in that we liked each other. I don't think I'll ever tell you how I feel. It's kind of like 8th grade all over again, where I kind of felt like this guy was so gorgeous and too good for me so I would never say anything about my feelings but just admire him everytime we talked.

You've got a really good grip with your hugs on me, and I'm not sure if I should be taking them as if you have feelings for me or if I mean a lot to you as your friend. Those are the moments when I felt like I should have done something to keep the night going. Like I should have kissed you on the cheek good-bye or something.

I can't wait for some kind of great change to happen soon(or at least that's what I hope for)

Look Another Year Went By And I'm Still Alive

Posted on 2008.01.23 at 07:50
Set The Mood:: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Playing in The Jukebox:: Dredg-Matroshka
Into reading this, feel free to call me retarded. And if this journal entry doesn't make any sense it's probably because my mind has too much to say that it's all scrambled up.

It's 7:52 in the morning. I've been up for a couple of hours after a 20 minute nap on drugs. I bought X with Danny last week, and we finally took them over the weekend. I had two left so I took them last night to enhance the night with friends. Kind of wish I could just make a little clip of the night fast forwarding to make it look like the night was crazier than it actually would be. Me, Joe, and Ryan just drove around and smoked a few bowls, and I rolled. We relaxed, I danced. Drove around. Danced more. Picked up Christy. Drove around more. It's exciting while it lasts. You get almost a full night of a total feel good body and dance moves like you've never danced before. Rays of light produce rave party effects and people I didn't even know were instantly best friends. But all around, X is so lame. I'm depressed now, which is a huge downfall effect when the drug wears off. I knew this was going to happen because over the weekend the same thing happened when I first took it. On top of being in a depressional state of mind, I lack so many hours of sleep and it's probably the most unhealthy drug to take by far. But I was doing some research on it and didn't quite understand why it wasn't an addicting drug. When I awoke the next morning over the weekend with a couple hours of sleep in me, I felt like I needed to take a couple more just to make me happy again. Of course I wouldn't though because not only do I think that it was really lame but now I have to rebuild my happiness as the week goes by because it makes you so depressed for awhile. If this wasn't true, I wouldn't be up at 8:00 in the morning typing this up. The same situation pretty much happened when I took it over the weekend too. I woke up, cleaned the whole house, and just started writing in my journal for hours. I had so much to say. The most that this drug had on me was taking me to the realization that I have no life going for me if I keep continuing in this dreadful path. But then again, I felt this way before, too.

I almost hate what I've become, and I hate the acknowledgment that I am slightly just like my mother(Minus the drugs). I sit in my room, maybe smoke a bowl here or somewhere else, I relax, and go to bed. I'm about to be 20 this year, and I'm still working at a pizza place. I didn't go back to college, and I don't even know if I want to own my own business anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know that I don't want to sit in my room everyday for the rest of my life regretting and sulking about how much my life isn't going anywhere. I've been on such a rocky trail for almost a couple of years now. Just when I finally feel like things start to look up I get let down again...Or I let myself down.

Relationships are probably my biggest downfall. Either I'm just choosing all of the wrong people or I'm just really easy to stop talking to. Guys are beginning to become so fucking arrogant to me I'm starting to believe I'll be better off adopting children and enjoying life as a single mom. After slowly healing up the pain that Pat left me when he stopped talking to me, I finally got up to meet someone new. It was one of Joe's friends. Very awesome. I probably had the best night of my life since forever. Me, Alli, Bobby, Joe, and Zac(Joe's friend..Kid I like) all went sledding at around midnight when we had all of that snow last week. It was exciting. Zac and I wrestled each other pretty much the entire night in the snow. We got a few faceplants out of each other and an hour later our hair was growing icicles. We all headed back to my house for hot chocolate and set up video games. Eventually everyone left but Zac stayed with me. I think I lost every round we played in Super Smash Brothers, but I didn't even care. I had so much fun with him. We cuddled, cutely kissed and licked each others faces like we were five again. For just normal brown eyes he had quite the power in his stare. We talked forever. He told me about his life, and how he is going to the Navy this year. I fully support it but I'm kind of bummed out because I just met him. His mom is in a nursing home, and I think that is probably most of the reason why he dropped out of college and feels the need to escape and go to the Navy. We had a really serious talk about his Mom, and I felt really bad but at the same time I felt so well connected with him. We had so much in common, all except music for the most part. We drove to McDonalds at four in the morning for breakfast, and headed back to his house to fall asleep. I woke up with butterflies, acknowledging that he was the first person I was able to look at when I opened my eyes. I was so love struck, I hated myself for falling in that fast but he was good! Now for the only really bad part...
He doesn't even really talk to me anymore. I haven't heard much from him since that night and he barely even texts me at all. I was upset, feeling like I had said or done something wrong somewhere in between. I still haven't seen his face since that night. But now that I'm starting to think about it, I think that he is escaping it. The fact that he's leaving soon, the fact that his mom is in the nursing home about to die sometime. The fact that he feels like his life is going absolutely nowhere. I suppose I can connect with that part, but the only difference was that I was totally ready to hang out with him again. I was happy again. It's almost like I'm glued to this seat of life. Just when I think that I have escaped the millions of problems that surround me while I try to keep myself up, I get pulled back down and I'm in the same exact spot I was before. I spend all these days writing and singing lyrics to myself to keep smiling while I walk past the many faces day by day. I drove myself to Coe lake and wondered how many anonymous people I see are feeling just as shitty about where they stand in life. I wish I could fly in AirForce. Too bad for being half-deaf and half-retarded from doing stupid things.

I need goals. Good ones. I need to make a list of the careers that I could see myself doing for pretty much my whole life. I want to travel. I want to visit so many different countries and I want to enjoy myself. I want a really good relationship. I want to start a family. I just wish I could either stop choosing the wrong people or choose someone that isn't going to stop talking to me. I have a feeling if i do hang out with Zac again, I'm going to be giving him a very big piece of my mind and decipher exactly why he backed away from me, because I know he had just as much fun as I did. Maybe I just fall in love too easily. Or something if it's not love, maybe I'm just crazy. I know that I'm really impatient. All around I'm only 20 years old and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown with the feeling that my future is going to go all wrong...Like I'm going to take the wrong path and everything is going to get screwed up. I want more than anything to be so distant from that path and I know that the smoking needs to stop. The X has totally made me realize how stupid I have been acting, when the one time I was really happy to start this year off was when I was sober and having fun with Zac. I have this burst of energy sober. When I smoke pot I get tired, relax and think about where I'm headed to. I suppose that's why I enjoy it. It puts me into deep thought, and then I can sleep on it, wake up and feel good still, depending on how good the chronic is.

I didn't think this entry would make sense. I can keep writing, or I can finally try to sleep, sleep on the fact that I am a much better person when I'm without the drugs, because that really hit me after everything I just wrote. How could I have been so stupid? I thought maybe this was the reason Zac wanted nothing to do with me anymore but that would be quite hypocritical of him for someone who has about 4 bongs and 5 bowls in his room. Fuck that, I'm just going to become the better person on this one and stop it all now. I don't know where it went wrong, but I definitely hope you want to hang out with me again :(

Body Painting

Posted on 2007.12.21 at 10:55
Set The Mood:: sicksick
So last night was fairly interesting. Beside the fact that I've been throwing up since 6:00 this morning from what I think might have been a bad burrito from Chipotle, we decided upon body painting. Alli, Jeff, Mike, and myself bought paint from Wal-Mart and busted out our mad skills. Mike and I painted on each other and Jeff and Alli painted them. A little bit of nudity is shown from the hard nipples but it was definitely a fun night of painting, but i used peace signs to cover that up.

I have other pictures of them which I'll edit and add later, but right now I can feel my stomach burning hardcore from the burrito so I'm going to toss it out through the mouth, if you catch my drift.(Although I don't get how mike didn't even get sick because he had everything I had in my burrito and more)

Re-stated. Re-made

Posted on 2007.12.11 at 20:58
Set The Mood:: annoyedannoyed
Playing in The Jukebox:: Ani Difranco-As Is
I decided to create a new journal despite the problems being caused by my old one. Again, I don't care to make it private because it's not that big of a deal...

I have a lot to say, but because I spent so god damn long trying to re-create this journal, I'll type it up maybe tomorrow before I go visit Rachel.

The relationship Update: Questionable. This weekend is the Motion City Soundtrack concert. He said he'd be there. If he doesn't show, then I don't ever want to hear from him again.

Here's To Us Fools Who Have No Meaning

Posted on 2007.12.11 at 17:55
Set The Mood:: aggravatedaggravated
Playing in The Jukebox:: Dignan-Listen
All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before... He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.

It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.

We are impossibly conceited animals, and actually dumb as heck. Ask any teacher. You don't even have to ask a teacher. Ask anybody. Dogs and cats are smarter than we are.

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